When is a gift not really a gift?

Whilst chatting to a friend the other day, we got onto the subject of gifts, or more importantly, unwanted gifts. My friend told me how much she'd like to pare down and create more space in her home but had been given so many things from her parents that she felt it was impossible. Keen to understand the situation, I asked her to tell me more.

"Well my father used to collect stamps, it was a real passion of his and he collected loads and loads over the years, however he doesn't really look at them any more, but he thought my son might like them. He gave them to me to pass onto my son, saying these are really precious, so you must look after them very carefully. I showed them to my son, but he is not really interested and now they are taking up space in my house, they are not looked at or appreciated but I can't get rid of them because they are so precious and important to my father" she said.

What do you do in a situation like this? When you feel obliged to look after a gift even though you don't really want it and never actually asked for it? My advice is to change your perception of the item and the idea of it as a gift.

Firstly, let's be clear, no matter how kind, thoughtful and well meaning, this is not really a true gift. A true gift dose not come with a caveat or burden. It does not make demands about how the gift should be used or what happens to it, it does not come with obligations and it certainly should not cause you to feel guilty or weighed down.

Secondly, the stamp collection was obviously cherished at some point in the collectors life, but it is important to now recognise that this point in his life has passed. It seems that he still has emotional energy tied up in it so doesn't really want to part with the collection permanently yet. And so handing it down with a condition is a means of still hanging on and only partly letting go. If the stamps were truly important to him, he would look at them regularly or have them on display in his home. Passing them on to someone else with an obligation of having to look after them, is in actual fact passing on your own delayed decision onto another person.

Stamp Collection

Five questions to ask yourself before handing down precious possessions

If you find it difficult to let go of things like this then consider the following:

Do these represent a time in my life that has now passed?
Were these very important to me at a previous stage in my life?
Has that time now passed?
Have these items served their purpose?
Are these items keeping me in the past and preventing me from moving forwards?

If the answer to any of these is yes, then it's time to let go. It's time to be grateful for the enjoyment that the items brought into your life, to say goodbye to them and to say hello to a new era. After all, holding onto things from the past makes it very difficult to move forwards.
​

But what is the alternative

Nobody likes to see waste and certainly not when it comes to saying goodbye to once cherished possessions, but do think carefully about how you pass them on. If you are thinking of giving these on to a friend or family member then first make sure that they actually want your old items, after all it is your clutter and you have no rights to impose it on them. Make it ok for them to say no to the offer without feeling embarrassed or obliged. If the answer is no, be gracious, then it's time to face facts that this is going to be a permanent goodbye. Try to think of who would really get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Far better for your old stamp collection or train set that it goes onto to a second life where it can be truly appreciated (or it really is a dreadful waste of a much loved item). If you want to donate it then consider a favourite charity, who could use it to raise funds, or you might even be able to make some money selling via auction or a sales room.

But what if you are on the receiving end of such an offer that you don't wish to accept? Please be assured that it is totally ok to just say no. My advice it to be polite, say thank you for being considered, point out that although the offer is very kind, that the item or items will go to waste in your home (which would be a terrible shame) and that the unwanted items might have a better lease of life going to someone who appreciates them. Feel free to offer suggestions of who might want it but in no way feel that this is your problem to solve. Remember that you are in charge of your home and possessions and holding onto something just because someone else expects you to can lead to clutter and resentment.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.